Please hit the mute button. Now.

ESPN begins their "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" battle of the bands this week. Nine bands, including REO Speedwagon, will be butchering performing an American classic much to no one's possibly six people's delight.

One question that I just have to ask: How much variation on this theme can you possibly do? The song is, at most, a minute long. As a baseball fan, I don't really want to see this anyway, but instead would prefer ESPN simply let this song be what it is. While I'm not sure if there is any actual prize money involved in this, probably just a few more minutes in the limelight and/or ham sandwiches is all the motivation some of these guys need.

Why is ESPN doing this? The better question is why do they do anything that they do? Like Titletown, or 50 states in 50 days, or the ESPY's, or Who's Now? This is just another in a long list of ridiculous things that are barely sports-related enough that ESPN can still try to justify doing it. I'm sure this probably appeals more to the 12-17 year-old boy crowd, as well as possibly the female audience. I'm still hoping for the day that a rival sports network gets its poo together and makes a serious run at these clowns.

Extra YouTube clip, just because I think it's funny:

ESPN will cram Monday Night Football down your throat and you will like it

ESPN is using the same advertising scheme to pitch Monday Night Football this year as they did last year. That is to say, showing various shots of people humming or scatting or making any other various noises with their mouths to mimic the MNF theme. Don't be fooled by the fact that this year it's real NFL players and media types that appear in these spots as opposed to last year's "everyman" ads. It's all the same crap:



Do you know how many dentists are humming the MNF theme while working on your mouth? Zero, that's how many. There are also no security guards sitting in their guard shack rocking out and whistling the MNF theme like a total dork. There are no dudes pushing one out in a stall, reaching for some t.p., audibly letting their affection for Monday nights be known. There's nobody in a cubicle propping his feet up, scatting and beboping the MNF theme while somehow completely overcome with impatience for that night's game between the Packers and Titans. And there are *most certainly* no actual NFL players lifting weights, running sprints, or doing whatever else they do, trying to get that last note just right.

As much as it may pain ESPN to hear this, Monday Night Football is simply not the franchise it once was. The fact that it moved from network TV to cable pretty much underscores that fact. No amount of endless marketing and hype and special 4-hour editions of SportsCenter will bring it back. Sunday Night in America has become the new MNF. That's where the big-name big-money broadcasters are. That's also where the corporate advertising dollars are. That's even where they have the ability to actually change what game they'll show based on potential playoff implication. And similarly, no amount of P!nk, despite how awful she is, will change this fact.

No, ESPN, people don't count down the days until Monday. People have never done this, and they never will. So let's just be realistic about this, ok? Has Loverboy taught you nothing?

Our Long National Nightmare Is Finally Over

ESPN, please consider this your invitation to remove yourselves from Barry Bonds' butt and once again take up residence in Bristol, Connecticut.

Waiting to Exhale

Let me tell you, I've been waiting *all weekend* for this, and only one question has been on my mind: WHO'S NOW? Do it, lemme hear ya say, big things poppin', sportscenta' rockin', who's now, do it (hey, hey)...

In a shocking turn of events, the most nowy of athletes is Tiger Woods. He had this to say upon winning the...uh...crown:

"As a huge fan of ESPN, this is an honor. They always come up with cool new content. I'd like to thank all the fans who took the time to vote for me."

And I'd like to point out that Tiger did not actually say that this particular "new content" was, in fact, cool. So +1 to Tiger for intelligent wordsmithing.

Finally, I'd like to take a minute to publicly question why Michael Wilbon, a highly respected journalist for many years, would stoop to working on the "panel of judges" for this garbage. Mr. Wilbon, I await your response.

p.s. If you haven't seen it yet, Mighty MJD has a great spoof on this here.