Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Kobe responds to Shaq's freestyle rap with freestyle scat

Reigning NBA MVP Kobe Bryant has responded to criticism from former teammate Shaquille O'Neal. As first reported by TMZ.com, Shaq was recently seen rapping in a New York city nightclub. His rap included, among other lyrics, "Kobe, you can't do without me." Last night in a swanky New Jersey bar, Bryant responded with some freestyle of his own:

Wellllllll, be bop be doo dop
bim bam bold
Shaquilllllle..... why you so
cold cold cold?
Rizz razzzz-a-ma-tazz
shim shammy shine...
that MVP trophy,
well it is mine.
Bim bam, the flim flam
Well, next yearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
I'm gonna beeeee onnnnn TOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

According to several witnesses, Kobe brought the house down with his interesting style. "Like a young Al Jolson, I tell ya," said one patron. "I heard the great Louis Armstrong," said one old-timer, "and this young Kobe has the gift." Shaq was also secretly in the audience, and was later overheard to say, "it's the dopest rhyme I ever heard."

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Separated at Birth: Dari Nowkhah and Shia Labeouf

On a recent episode of the "Budweiser Hot Seat," SportsCenter anchor Dari Nowkhah interviewed actor Shia Labeouf to promote his upcoming film, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Dari, who was not familiar with his interviewee, was given a card with three questions to ask Shia, after which he was to put on a brown cowboy hat and tell the audience at home to go see the new movie. What follows below is a transcript from this as-yet-unaired episode of the "Hot Seat."

Dari: We welcome now into the studio, a very talented actor, Shia Labeouf, of the Transformers and most recently the new Indiana Jones movie. Shia, you are now on... The Budweiser Hot Seat. Are you ready?

Shia: Uh, yes, I'm ready.

Dari: (Turns to face Shia) Ok, now Shia... Hey, what the? A mirror match??? IS THIS WHAT WE GOT????

Shia: I'm sorry, I don't understand. Mirror--


Shia: I.. I just... I was told you'd ask me about the Red Sox or something.

Dari: RAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! OOOOooooOOOoooOOOOO!!!!!! (Bites head off nearby chicken)

Shia: Oh no...

At this point, ESPN turned off the cameras, while Dari ripped off his shirt and began running around the set like a madman. He was shot with a horse tranquilizer gun and later woke up mumbling Linda Cohn's name. The moral of the story: Do not confuse Dari Nowkhah.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Please hit the mute button. Now.

ESPN begins their "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" battle of the bands this week. Nine bands, including REO Speedwagon, will be butchering performing an American classic much to no one's possibly six people's delight.

One question that I just have to ask: How much variation on this theme can you possibly do? The song is, at most, a minute long. As a baseball fan, I don't really want to see this anyway, but instead would prefer ESPN simply let this song be what it is. While I'm not sure if there is any actual prize money involved in this, probably just a few more minutes in the limelight and/or ham sandwiches is all the motivation some of these guys need.

Why is ESPN doing this? The better question is why do they do anything that they do? Like Titletown, or 50 states in 50 days, or the ESPY's, or Who's Now? This is just another in a long list of ridiculous things that are barely sports-related enough that ESPN can still try to justify doing it. I'm sure this probably appeals more to the 12-17 year-old boy crowd, as well as possibly the female audience. I'm still hoping for the day that a rival sports network gets its poo together and makes a serious run at these clowns.

Extra YouTube clip, just because I think it's funny:

Friday, June 13, 2008

Movie Preview: The Happening

The writer-director of The Sixth Sense and Signs brings you his first R-rated film.

That's the tagline for the new "thriller" The Happening. And really, that's all you need to know.

M. Night Shayamalan is trying once again to fool the public into thinking he actually makes good movies. And to be honest, he once did. I really liked both Unbreakable and The Sixth Sense. But after those, his movies have slowly gone from intriguing to boring to just plain dumb. Signs was o.k. I guess, but I wouldn't see it again. The Village was an outright joke. If you've not seen it, I won't spoil the "twist," but just be prepared to be extremely disappointed when you see it. To be fair, I've not seen Lady In The Water, but I don't know a single person that has seen it that liked it.

The public has slowly grown to groan at the mention of an M. Night Shamalamadingdong movie. Undoubtedly, Mr. Shipoopi was aware of this, and needed some kind of gimmick to get people to watch his movies again. "Wait, what if I put in more gore, and a few F-bombs? That's sure to get those 14-to-18 year-olds that, 1) will watch anything, and 2) aren't yet completely soured on my utter lack of ingenuity." And there you go, his new flick is rated R, and, I have no doubt, will suck royally.

Prediction: 3/10

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

NBA Finals Preview: Lakers-Celtics XI

Thus begin the endless references to all the classic Celtics/Lakers Finals matchups in history, particularly in the 80's. I know the media has to do this. I mean, they can't easily ignore it. Nor do I expect them to. So I understand that. But frankly, some of it is a little silly. Yes, it's the Lakers and Celtics. And yes, it's the game of basketball. And that's where the similarities end. So please, media, no more comparisons of the Boston Three Party to the true Big Three. And let's not compare Kobe to Magic or anything of the sort. Let this matchup be what it is. Also, I've heard some say this matchup is "saving the league." This is fully absurd. Saving the league? From what? The NBA is financially very healthy. So healthy, in fact, that it continues to subsidize the hemorrhaging, untenable farce known as the WNBA. Television revenues are at all time highs, and attendance levels remain high. I agree that this Finals matchup will probably get ratings as good as any of the Bulls Finals series. But it's not "saving the league," so no more saying this.

As for the matchup itself, this is pretty tough to call. Celtics won both regular season matchups, but that was before the Lakers got Pau Gasol, so as far as I'm concerned, those games have no bearing. This will be the Lakers first real test of the post-season. No team has yet been able to play the level of defense necessary to beat them four out of seven. I do think the Celtics have that defense, but they've been inconsistent this postseason, particularly on the road. When I look at these two teams, I see that the Lakers have the best starting five, the best bench, the best individual player, and the best coach. I guess this is easier than I thought.

Prediction: Lakers in 5

Sunday, June 1, 2008

separated at birth

Few people know that the late actor Alan Hale and sports broadcaster Jon Miller were good friends growing up. The younger Jon aspired to become a Hollywood star one day. He hoped to land a leading role in some sort of situational comedy about seven people that, after a transportation mishap, became stranded on an island (when you think about those circumstances, it makes you wonder how that was ever pitched as a comedy). The older Alan dreamt in his boyhood of one day becoming a famous baseball announcer alongside one of the greatest second-basemen to ever play the game. As it turned out, these friends ended up living out each other's dreams, though it worked well for each. Said Alan one day in 1989, "Jonny told me that he and Joe Morgan are going to start a new weekly baseball thing next year on Sunday nights. I told him good luck with it and to check out this blog so he knows exactly what to expect from the little buddy." Miller responded, "I'm privileged with the chance ESPN has given me. I hope to carry on Alan's legacy by getting Peter Gammons hopelessly stranded in Yankee Stadium one day."